Thursday, July 20, 2006

People like me suck

Certain phenomena are ruined by publicity. It's a special kind of situation and not all that common, but it happens. Like Ali G, for instance. The more popular he gets, the more difficult it becomes to find oblivious people who will sit for his satirical interviews.

Well, over the past month or so, a similar sort of development has occurred on what was once probably the funniest site on the web. I am speaking, of course, of the message board on calmkallahs.com. ("Kallah" is the Hebrew word for "bride").

The site, run by an Orthodox Jewish woman called Marla, is a forum in which devout Jewish women discuss, well, basically everything they can think of about their sex lives. No topic is too pedestrian or risque for the avant-garde ladies who post on the board; indeed, topics discussed on the site include mundance concerns like "going off birth control" and "husband's back hair," as well as more interesting offerings such as " how to orgasm", "anal sex", and "Dildos and Strapons." All this, from women who cover their hair when they leave the house and abstain from sex for about two weeks out of the month because of menstrual "impurity." I would describe the site as a cross between "Sex for Dummies" and "Girls Gone Wild." For Amish people.

The comingling on the site of repression and horniness, of religious traditionalism and carnal curiosity, makes for a hilarious read. Who can be unsympathetic to the anguished plea of Malki (technical note - "dh" ="dear husband," and "assur"= "prohibited by Jewish Law"):


i really want to give my dh a "handjob"...what should i do???? i wanna give him a handjob and he really wants me to give him one, we know its assur. what do we do?

You can really appreciate the dilemma faced by these women as they strive to reconcile their religious beliefs with their irreligous libidos. And that's what made the site so enjoyable - the genuine, ridiculous questions and emotions that these women were willing to expose. Almost too good to be true.

And, alas, now it is. Because, you see, there is no verification process to post on this site, and the target is just too tempting (I have succumbed to the temptation for mischief myself). Whereas, only a few weeks ago, there was an air of integrity about the issues and posts aired on the site, the situation has since changed considerably. Now, you're more likely to see something like this ("Frum" means "strictly Orthodox"):

Miss Frum: DH has asked me to dress up like a bee-keeper...should i be worried?Anyone else ever experience something strange like this...

Now, granted, this post is funny as hell (though, I'm sad to say, I didn't write it). And, in truth, it occasioned even more hilarity, as a number of ostensibly earnest readers offered these responses to it:

Malki: that IS a bit odd - but in fetish/fantasy world NOTHING is too weird. you might wanna try and figure out what about it turns him on - did he once see a really hot girl dressed as a beekeeper?

Guest: maybe he likes the danger involved and the fearlessness involved in doing something like that. i wouldn't worry about it as long as you both have fun.... and i WOULDN"T ask if it is because he once saw a hot girl as a bee keeper and then asking you to dress up like one. that would upset me if it were my husband, I am not hot enough for him that he wants to use me to replay some fantasy of his??? i wouldnt' go there at all. i would like to assume that if my husband asked me something like that it is because it is something dnagerous and having the guts to do something like that turns himon. as long as you both play safe, have fun!! (maybe come up with something else that you want him to do, you never know, this may open sexual doors for you guys!!)

Like I said, this is priceless stuff in its own right. (I mean, a question doesn't get any more Jewish than "I am not hot enough for him that he wants to use me to replay some fantasy of his?") But it's a different kind of stuff. While the site once represented a place to laugh at Orthodox women, it now presents a sort of ongoing challenge in which the reader must try to determine which questions are seriously asked and which are the musings of (other) juvenile males with nothing better to do.

Don't get me wrong. The site is still a terrific source of entertainment. But I feel like it's lost some of the refreshing naivete that contributed to its original luster. People like me suck.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow gold opportunity!

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Malki said...

My husband wants to watch me lick whipped cream off a nude Kraut. My Rabbi said it's only permissible if he can attend, too.

5:58 PM  
Blogger Kraut said...

malki, i thought you said we weren't gonna do that again? you know, because of your physical problem...

10:11 PM  
Blogger Danny the Manny said...

No more private messages permitted either. That means that you can attend the party still but can't go home with any of the sex-crazed fiends.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're right, you do suck.

I, an orthodox married woman, have checked out the site. While I have never submitted my own questions, and yes, at times find some of the questions somewhat... interesting... I am impressed at the perseverence of Marla to set up and maintain a discussion board like this. Many frum girls feel genuinely uncomforatble voicing their questions to others, and this site fills a void in their world and allows them the anonymity to get answers.

For people like you to treat it as entertainment and post bogus questions is terrible.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Kraut said...

i hear ya, anonymous. i would be annoyed too if i were a real contributor the site. actually,on second thought, no, i'd still probably find it funny. (c'mon, the beekeeper didn't elicit even a chuckle!?) but i certainly appreciate that more mature people find the fake posts annoying.

but i'm telling you, it's a systemic problem with the medium. popularity inevitably leads to some sort of deterioration. thankfully i don't have that problem here!

take care,
k

12:20 AM  

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